Monday 6 September 2010

Dancing With Myself: BILL CRIDER interviews BILL CRIDER

Please welcome into the fold, Bill Crider.

Do you know, that really wasn't good enough. This time loud as you can, please welcome to the fold...

Bill Crider Ten Questions (and answers) with Bill Crider

Q: Is it true that you can leap tall buildings with a single bound?

A. No, I'm sorry to say. I've tried, but it's just not in the cards. Small buildings, though, that's a different story. Very small buildings, the kind you make with Legos. Very few Legos. Say, ten, tops. And it might take two bounds. No more than that, though.

Q: How about the rumor that you were going to take Janet Evanovich's place as St. Martin's most highly paid author?

A: As everybody knows, Ms. Evanovich left St. Martin's because they wouldn't pay her $50 million for her next four books. I, on the other hand, am willing to do four books for half that amount. In fact, I would be happy to do four books for a mere $10 million. So I started that rumor in hopes that St. Martin's would take me up on it when the sales of my latest book, Murder in the Air, went through the roof. The sales must have been in a very tall building, however, rather than a very small one, because so far they haven't reached the roof, no thanks to the tightwads who aren't buying the book. Anyway, I'm thinking of starting a rumor that I'll do four books for only $1 million to see if that will get the negotiations underway. In fact, this seems like a fine place to plant that rumor, so consider it planted.

Q: Have you thought about adding vampires to your novels? That seems like a sure way to make some quick cash.

A: Oh, sure, I've thought about it. Who hasn't? Other monsters might work, too. I was talking to one well-known and formerly successful writer the other day. His sales are off, and he told me that he's got any number of vampire proposals out there. Under pseudonyms, of course. One proposal that he has high hopes for is Dashiell Hammett, Vampire Hunter. Another is The Maltese Vampire. He's looking for a deal any day now on The Hardy Boys and the Tower Treasure and Sea Monsters, but if that doesn't come through, he's also working on Murder on the Orient Express and Zombies.

Q: What about movie deals? Anything in the works?

A: No. For some reason nobody's beating down my door for the rights to the Sheriff Dan Rhodes series. What's wrong with those people in Hollywood, anyway? Nothing, really, I guess. They're still making classy, successful movies like Knight and Day and The Split. No wonder they don't need my books.

Q: Are you bitter? Because you sound bitter.

A: Me? Bitter? Surely you jest.

Q: Don't call me Shirley.

A: Sorry. I didn't mean anything by it. I just didn't want you to think I was bitter. Nothing could be farther from the truth. If I were to make some Hollywood sales, which God forbid, I'd be rich. I'd have to live in L. A., buy Oakleys, drive a Porsche convertible, and put up with groupies. Who'd want to live like that?

Q: Surely you jest.

A: Don't call me Shirley.

Q: I beg your pardon. What I meant to say is wouldn't the same thing happen if St. Martin's took you up on your offer to write four books for $1 million?

A: A million bucks ain't what it used to be. I mean, after taxes and after I bought the Oakleys and the Porsche convertible, I wouldn't have much left to entertain the groupies with. Besides, in Alvin, Texas, there are only two, maybe three days a a year when you can drive a convertible with the top down. And all of those are in February.

Q: Are you married?

A: Yes, and Judy would probably object to the groupies. Maybe even the Oakleys. As you know, she's my first reader and editor, and I wouldn't be able to write the books without her, so maybe we'd better just forget the whole thing. Who needs a million bucks, anyway? I'll just have to settle for $100K a book like I'm getting now.

Q: How many questions does this make?

A: That's ten I think.

Q: As I recall, one of them was a statement.

A: Look, I'm the retired English teacher here, so I'll be the judge of that. Ten is ten, and that makes eleven. Our time here is up, so let me take a second to thank Nigel for this opportunity to appear on his blog and to thank everyone who's reading this. And to remind everyone to go right out and buy a copy of Murder in the Air if you want to help me out, as who wouldn't? Sure, I'm a sweet, wonderful guy who can leap small buildings at a single bound, two in some cases, but I need all the help I can get.


  1. Well drat! There goes my Sea Monkeys vs The Giant Albino Vampire Abalones novel-in-progress. Drat you, Bill Crider, drat you to HECK! Great self-interview. Still chuckling.

  2. Arf. Cracking . Mind you, Dashiell Hammett , Vamoire Hunter ... mmm

  3. You made me smile and it's way too early for that.

  4. If it's a bidding war, I'll write four books for 850,000

  5. You should swipe the Dahshiell Hammet idea, but rename it Sam Spade, Zombie Decapitator. That's got a million copy seller written all over it. And I've still got my fingers crossed for St. Martins to give you that 50 million

  6. But, anybody who knows Bill knows that he's already written a biting Vampire novel.